i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
