On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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