Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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