I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
