At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
