I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
