Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you never un-have a 4some
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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