I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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