We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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