Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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