I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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