so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
