Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
