he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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