I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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