I met the friendliest cop last night
Come see our sink grown plant.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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