I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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