Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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