i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
