i jhust puked up my retainher.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
this is an emotional support booty call
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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