i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
