Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
