I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
