Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
