we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
