Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
