I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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