Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
