last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
