i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
