Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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