Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
