Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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