fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think my fart just growled at me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
