The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
