mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just high enough for therapy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
