clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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