He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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