No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
