when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
