If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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