I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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