can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
