Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
