Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
