Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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