I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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