I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
