A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
