U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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