Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
