Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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