I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
