I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
