im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
