We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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