You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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