You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
