Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
