i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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