20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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