my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
