Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
