..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
